Blocker's Remorse

I landed my first really good hit last night in a jammer drill.  

It's the first time ever that I have felt the full force of my body slam into someone in action.  
The first time I have not taken myself out in the process.  
The first time I have heard that 'thud' behind me as I continued skating.  
I think I want to hear it again! and again....and again....
This is very strange for me.  I have mentioned before that I have never been an aggressive person, ever. 
Not physically, socially, emotionally...I'm even useless at pulling the old passive aggressive out.  
But there was something addictive about that hit last night.  
Something about being able to harness the power of my body against someone elses.  
Something satisfying about finding my aggression and using it.  
The catch is that I hurt the other skater, we took all took a knee while first aid checked her out.  
But, and here is the really strange part for me......I didn't feel bad about it.  
I'm still a little confused about this.  Bleeding hearted me, who used to cry watching starving Africans on the television when I was a kid, didn't feel any guilt about her injury.  
I knew it was a good legal hit.  I even felt slightly proud.  
She was fine, by the way, and the reality is any injury would have been more about how she fell rather than how I had hit her.
But my total lack of remorse surprised me and I'm not even sure if it would have been any different if she had been badly hurt.  
Sure, I would have felt bad for her, like I do when anyone gets injured, but I wouldn't have felt guilty about it.  
How had this happened?  And was it a good thing?  
I know it will probably make me a better derby player but am I still a good person?  
Is this the first step towards me becoming a heartless bee-arch in all the other areas of my life?  
I had no idea how ingrained the notion that I had to be nice to everyone was for me.  
I am astonished that landing this hit has made me question my very moral fibre. 
It's the little girl in me that feels worried about this newfound aggression, and no Mum and Dad, I'm not blaming your parenting, I just think it was always my inherent nature.  
Don't rock the boat, keep the peace, make everyone happy and they will be pleased with me.  
But everyone wasn't always pleased with me and it didn't make everyone happy.  
It didn't make me happy.
So listen up, little Buzz, grown-up Buzz (aka booty blocking badass) has a few things to tell you....
Aggressiveness is okay, good even, empowering.
It is only a bad thing when it comes out of a place of hate. 
Just check your place of hate regularly and make sure it's dealt to.  
It is okay to be power-full.   Power-full women are awesome and you can be one....you are one.
You will be a better wife, mum, friend, blocker, jammer, world-changer if you embrace your aggression.
Be aggressive about the things that matter. Like raising your children, looking after our planet, loving your husband, caring for your friends, ending poverty and injustice.....and of course........holding the inside line.

"My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. 

Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose."                                                                                                                  Bette Davis