Mental Toughness

It continues to amaze me how much of this game is about what's going on in my head.  I love how it pushes me to the edges of my self belief and stretches it further, constantly making it bigger and stronger.  
Last night we had our first interleague scrimmage.  It was my first time scrimmaging against non-friendlies and it threw me a little.  In our weekly league scrimmage I know the people on the other team and I like them. I know that they like me and want me to get better and improve my game.  That doesn't mean that they take it easy on me but the general vibe towards me is positive and supportive and this acts as a boost for my ever-faltering confidence in my derby abilities.  Well last night that rug was pulled out from under me and I didn't expect it.
Noone from the other team actually said anything negative to me and I'm sure that a great percentage of it all was in my head, but I felt the 'you're not very good' and 'this one's the weak link' vibes...which my internal dialogue then began to translate to 'how on earth did she manage to pass skills?' and 'man this girl shouldn't even be scrimmaging.'  Needless to say this affected my skating a little, and worst still, made me a more ineffective member of my team.  I don't want this to happen in the real world of derby bouting.  I will not let this happen in my first interleague bout.
So now it's time to strengthen those mental muscles and pull out some mind gym.
My first step was to go over the scrimmage in my mind and pick out what I did well.
And I was surprised at the resulting list.  I hit the jammer on my first run on the track (something I'm usually stoked to do once in a whole evening), I did a sweet truck and trailer to help our jammer through the pack, I hit the oppositions' jammer out of bounds a few times and I was even brave enough to put the jammer panty on once.  I didn't do so flash at jamming and ended up in the penalty box but when I got back on track I actually made it through the pack and the other jammer called it off before the two minutes were up so I can't have been looking that bad out there.
Imagine how well I could have done if I just believed in myself??
It was then that I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that I could have been the best skater out there and I still would have heard those negative voices inside.  
It's time to kick those to the curb and replace them with positive ones that help me achieve more and skate to the absolute best of my ability.
So I'm off to google sports psychology and hit the library for some good books on the subject.  I'll let you know what gems I discover......

Love this picture by Elektraqtion on her blog.

Blocker's Remorse

I landed my first really good hit last night in a jammer drill.  

It's the first time ever that I have felt the full force of my body slam into someone in action.  
The first time I have not taken myself out in the process.  
The first time I have heard that 'thud' behind me as I continued skating.  
I think I want to hear it again! and again....and again....
This is very strange for me.  I have mentioned before that I have never been an aggressive person, ever. 
Not physically, socially, emotionally...I'm even useless at pulling the old passive aggressive out.  
But there was something addictive about that hit last night.  
Something about being able to harness the power of my body against someone elses.  
Something satisfying about finding my aggression and using it.  
The catch is that I hurt the other skater, we took all took a knee while first aid checked her out.  
But, and here is the really strange part for me......I didn't feel bad about it.  
I'm still a little confused about this.  Bleeding hearted me, who used to cry watching starving Africans on the television when I was a kid, didn't feel any guilt about her injury.  
I knew it was a good legal hit.  I even felt slightly proud.  
She was fine, by the way, and the reality is any injury would have been more about how she fell rather than how I had hit her.
But my total lack of remorse surprised me and I'm not even sure if it would have been any different if she had been badly hurt.  
Sure, I would have felt bad for her, like I do when anyone gets injured, but I wouldn't have felt guilty about it.  
How had this happened?  And was it a good thing?  
I know it will probably make me a better derby player but am I still a good person?  
Is this the first step towards me becoming a heartless bee-arch in all the other areas of my life?  
I had no idea how ingrained the notion that I had to be nice to everyone was for me.  
I am astonished that landing this hit has made me question my very moral fibre. 
It's the little girl in me that feels worried about this newfound aggression, and no Mum and Dad, I'm not blaming your parenting, I just think it was always my inherent nature.  
Don't rock the boat, keep the peace, make everyone happy and they will be pleased with me.  
But everyone wasn't always pleased with me and it didn't make everyone happy.  
It didn't make me happy.
So listen up, little Buzz, grown-up Buzz (aka booty blocking badass) has a few things to tell you....
Aggressiveness is okay, good even, empowering.
It is only a bad thing when it comes out of a place of hate. 
Just check your place of hate regularly and make sure it's dealt to.  
It is okay to be power-full.   Power-full women are awesome and you can be one....you are one.
You will be a better wife, mum, friend, blocker, jammer, world-changer if you embrace your aggression.
Be aggressive about the things that matter. Like raising your children, looking after our planet, loving your husband, caring for your friends, ending poverty and injustice.....and of course........holding the inside line.

"My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. 

Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose."                                                                                                                  Bette Davis 

Eating an elephant

So I'm officially on the Otautahi Allstars Training Squad!  
But again, like so many other things in derby, my joy was quickly followed by a reality check.  
Being on the squad doesn't mean you get picked to bout. And to get picked to bout you must meet a list of requirements, including 5 hours off skates exercise per week.  

Bummer.  
I have trouble fitting in the three on-skates trainings we need to do.  
I have tried to go to the gym but Erin refuses (as in screams so loud the entire gym can hear her) to stay in the childcare so that rules that option out.
I'd tried the exercise DVDs too but it only takes 10 minutes of Erin climbing on me for that to get beyond a joke.
My only choice was to start thinking creatively.  How could I fit 5 hours of exercise into my life of stay-at-home-mum-ness without derby taking any more time away from my family than it already does...
I already do 10 minutes of ankle strengthening and achilles stretches morning and night (Physios orders) so that adds up to 2 hours and 20 minutes already. Nearly half way there!
I did the housework super-speed yesterday - so that I broke a sweat.  I hate housework anyway so it's a good way to get it done quickly and I could easily chalk up an hour and a half doing that every week. 
And this last exercise is my favourite...Erin loves dancing so I can dance with her for 15 minutes each week day - this doesn't sound much like exercise but trust me, dancing while holding a happy, jiggly 15kg weight is not easy! 
So the grand total is 5 hours and 5 minutes.  Throw in the occasional brisk walk with the pram for a bit of variety and it'll be sweet.
I love it when a goal seems too big to achieve and then you shrink it down with a bit of thinking outside the box!

How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.