Sneaky Epiphanies

Sometimes you go looking for them - you might be confused about something or maybe you can't seem to find the missing piece that will make it all make sense. 
Then other times they sneak up on you.  
You're doing your everyday business and they tap you on the shoulder out of nowhere and rudely butt into your life. 
This was one of the second type.  
I was working through some chairpersony exec stuff on the computer when suddenly a big loud epiphany wrote itself in bold capitals across my brain....


IT'S ONLY A GAME.

Hmmm...whatever do you mean??


IT'S ONLY A GAME.


Are you sure? Are you sure it's not the reason for my existence?  

Nope.

Do you mean my life shouldn't revolve around this league? 

Nope. 

I don't need to pour my heart and soul into it so that it can run smoothly and happily and grow and become stronger and awesome-er and have a super duper venue of it's own and join WFTDA and play leagues from far away lands and host bootcamps taught by living legends and save the world from eternal damnation???!

Nope.  

But my leaguemates are the most amazing women and so much fun to be with and have taught me how to be part of a team and work together with people completely different than me.

Yep.

And my depression is so much better than it's ever been before and I'm so much fitter and stronger and healthier.  

Yep.

And I've learnt so much about myself and not giving up and facing my fears.


Yep.  
It is a funtastic, amazing, challenging, even life changing, game but still...... IT IS ONLY A GAME. 


She's right you know....it's only a game people.

High flying and hard hits.

"They hit so hard I actually pee-ed my pants a little" a teammate (who shall forever remain anonymous) admitted in the changing room at halftime.  Being a mum of three I'd learnt a long time ago that a little extra protection was always a good idea in this department but for other's this was a new lesson. 
Everyone had been taken by surprise by the relentlessness and power of the Pirate's blocks.  I still remember the stunned look on everyone's faces as they skated back to the bench after their first jam.  
Maybe taking on the Pirate City Rollers straight after a month derby holiday to recover from tournament wasn't a great idea in retrospect.  
They were only the oldest league outside of North America, they only had six years bouting experience to our one, they only had 5 members of Team New Zealand on their team.  
But how could we say no?? No matter what the scoreboard said in the end it was sure to be an amazing learning opportunity and we just couldn't turn it down!
It was a whirlwind trip but for me the promise of 24 hours child free had been the pot of gold at the end of the school holiday rainbow.  
Most of us grabbed the same flight up at lunchtime and not one of us pulled out the Skates on a Plane joke.  
I hate flying. A lot. I'm usually okay during the smooth bits but takeoff and landing have me knocking back the Rescue Remedy and doing some relaxation breathing (which for the record isn't actually that relaxing but it does give me something to focus on other than the fact I am in a huge chunk of metal in the sky).  
It was a rough flight - in the words of the pilot "It's not a good day to fly". We certainly challenged anyone's stereotype of the 'tough derby girl' though. Between my heavy breathing, cries of 'are we going to make it? are we going to die?' from my teammate next to me (who I offered to share my rescue remedy with and ended up squirting the dropper all over her face instead of in her mouth.....) and the vomiting across the aisle we were a sorry lot! Daroll as usual helped out with her favourite comforting line...."I can see the ground - if we crash now we'll still be sweet."  

Feeling rather invincible after surviving that I managed to completely avoid my usual prebout nerves - skating in the bout was guaranteed to be a more enjoyable experience than the flight to get there was.
After everyone got over their initial shock of how physical the opposition were we rallied with some bench chatter of 'we knew it would be hard' 'we need to remember to have fun' and 'just focus on making each jam better than the last'.  And we did - we made sure each jam was the best we could do and we didn't give up, even when their score hit the 300 mark while ours still sat around 50.  
And we had fun, so much fun! There were plenty of crazy moments from Warbow laughing like a madwoman because she was enjoying Pirate's hits so much, to Crash's flying leap that got her expelled from the game ('I was sure my legs could stretch that far!').  
I'm so proud of how we played.  I am so proud of all our jammers who were brave enough to take on that pack and I only hope that one day I will be that brave too.  
I am so proud of myself for willingly skating into hits from Terror Santana to save my jammer from taking them instead - if you'd told me a year ago (back when I was too scared to even do a knee fall) that I'd be doing that I would never have believed you.  Don't you just love how the 'derby you' can take on challenges you never even hoped you could in such a short time?
The Pirate's were great hosts and gracious victors and we had a blast.  Looking forward to hosting them in shakey Christchurch sometime next year - maybe we can keep that score difference to under 200 next time??!! 

NZ Tournament - part 3

We only had one game left for the day and it was my personal favourite.  
We played against ARDL and although we lost against the eventual champions of the day we played awesomely.  
Our defence held them to their lowest score of the tournament at 66 and a last minute burst from our jammers brought our score up to a respectable 29 against that.  
I loved looking at the photos from this bout, they show how good our teamwork had gotten by the end of the day.  
They say a picture paints a thousand words, so thanks to Sandy Carter Photography I'll finish with some of my favourite shots from this bout that show off our newly found teamwork mojo.....

NZ Tournament - part 2

To be honest I think most of us went into the next three games hoping to learn from the experience and keep our losing margin respectable against such great teams.  Next up were the hosts of the tournament - Swamp City. These girls were very good and hit very hard. As we expected it was a rough and physical game and we were sad to see one of our best jammers out with a concussion.  It looked like an ambulance would be needed for her so it was decided by the refs and team captains to call the game with 8 minutes left to play.  The score stayed at 92-10 and we were pleased not to risk anymore injuries at that stage.

We were thrilled that we would get to play Richter City Allstars - they were like our 'big sister' league and had helped us a lot over the first year of ORDL's life.  Our long term plan was to bout against their B team next year and then get good enough to challenge the big kids in 2014.

Our Head coach's pep talk in the changing room beforehand went something like this.....its gonna be tough, but hey we got nothing to lose, and we coooullddd win and that would be epic, actually if we get close it will be epic......

A few jams in we were yet to score at 11-0.  

We were all starting to hope that the game wasn't going to be a total embarrassment when something almost magical happened.  

We became a team.  

Suddenly we were finding each other on the track quicker, holding our walls stronger, switching from defense to offense together, and winning!

It was a crazy! In hindsight, we probably got wrapped up in the moment a bit much and it maybe cost us the game by two points (Final score 60-58).  But we didn't really care.  It honestly felt like we won. Just look at these faces.....

NZ Tournament - part 1

Today I get to double my bout experience.
Today I get to play against some of the best players in New Zealand.
Today I get to be a tiny part of New Zealand roller derby history.

But first I have to get up stupidly early.  I've set my cellphone alarm to Rooster and it wakes my room obnoxiously at 6.30am.  
'Wow that's one big cock', teammate Hammer mumbles from her pillow.
I drag myself out of bed and force down some breakfast.  I hate eating this early but I know I'll need all the fuel I can get.  
Down at the venue I resist the urge to immediately throw my skates on to see how the floor feels, and take a moment to soak it all in instead.  
Two tracks...two!  13 teams - so much derby to play and watch in one day!  
I know that's no big deal to a lot of my overseas derby readers but for New Zealand this is awesome, and I'm here.  
We make our way upstairs to the team room - 13 teams all allocated a small space in one lounge - it gets a bit whiffy by the end of the day but you overhear some classic one-liners....
'I'm so glad I bought a new bra'
'We scored 3 points against Richter!!!'
'Have you pooed yet?'
'At least I can drink now!' this one from a freshly injured skater.
Finally it's time to get gear on and warm up, skate off some of the nerves.  
Our first bout was against The Coasters.  We got a healthy lead early on which allowed us to jam some of our second string jammers. It was good to give them the experience as well as rest up our main jammers for our later games.  

We won the game with a score of 113-34.
Our next game was against Whenua Fatales.  These ladies were hard hitters! Luckily regular scrimmage with the likes of Crash and Knox had us all well conditioned for this and we won 174-18.

It was awesome to feel our teamwork getting stronger with each jam played but we still had our toughest pool bouts ahead with Richter City and Swamp City, both strong possibles for taking out the whole contest.  
Our first two wins also guaranteed us a place in the quarter finals, where we would most likely play against ARDL - another likely to make the final.  Bouting three of the top four teams in New Zealand in one day, not bad experience for a two year old, one team league!
To be continued.......

Off to tourney!

So I've started many blogs lately - one on discovering my hamstrings, one on rediscovering the penalty box - but they are all sitting there unfinished.  

Instead I've been focusing on getting ready for the first ever New Zealand derby tournament!  Yep - crosstraining my ass off and mastering all those techniques and strategies that I need to be at my best.....

Hang on...nope, that's not what I've been doing at all......instead I've been fighting off the worst cold ever, missing way too much training because of it and still not able to do more than a few laps without having a coughing fit....arrrrgggghhhh!
Far from the ideal build up.  But it's happened and I'll have to roll with it. 
I will play the best I can and have an awesome time.  
I will nearly double my bout experience in one day!  So much learning and so many great people to meet from other leagues. 
On top of that I get three whole days break from housework and childcare (yes I do love my children and no I don't feel guilty for looking forward to a few days away from them.  No matter how much someone loved their job they wouldn't be expected to love doing it every hour of every day...end of feminist rant....), a day shopping in Wellington (where I'm sure I will nervously avoid all tall brickish buildings) and just generally hanging out with some of my favourite people.

Bring it on! 

Officially discouraged....

I had the second part of my testing with the personal trainer today.
Part of it was a test to see how my cardio fitness was.  So I hopped onto the treadmill, all the right buttons were pressed and I briskly walked up an increasing incline for 5 minutes.  
At the end of the test the treadmill screen gives you a number that indicates your level of cardio fitness.  I didn't see what my number was but I did see that the screen said 'below average'. 
Seriously??!  I've been doing over 8 hours exercise a week for nearly a year! And we don't just skate around slowly bumping into each other.  I sweat every single practice, usually to the dripping stage. How can I still be below average??  
I'm starting to think my body does the same thing with fitness as it does with tanning.  
I burn, I peel, I am lily white again.  
Maybe I also exercise, I collapse, I am still unfit.  

What do I have to do to get fit??
Looking for the silver lining I guess it means that I was in desperate trouble this time last year and without derby I would still be there.  I guess it also means that I haven't imagined that it's been really really hard work to get as far as I have already.  
The only thing for it is to keep going, keep exercising, and hope that before long the screen will read 'average.'  

The measure of a (derby wo)man

So yesterday I had some of my beginning stats done with the personal trainer. It was bad.
Even with skating 3 trainings a week my fat content is embarrassing, too embarrassing to even share here, and you know I normally tell you all the shocking details.  
Let's just say I looked it up on the chart and I'm O for 'Oh golly I really must do something about that'.  
I honestly don't give a crap what the scales say - losing weight is a destructive goal for me - what I weigh doesn't matter.  

How much of me is useful functioning muscle compared to how much is soft padding that is bad for my health - that I can care about.  So it's back to situps and lunges every other day at home for me.  
And getting some balance into my body too.  One thigh measures 3cm bigger girth that the other, I'll start walking around in circles everywhere if I don't do something about that soon!  
Next week I do some more testing - heartrates etc. - I'm really hoping that it's better since last time I did it...Confession from the derby heart.

Bouting not Blogging

Okay, I know - I've totally neglected the blogging.
For the best of reasons though...I've been too busy playing derby to have time to write about it!  
My first two Allstar bouts in three weeks have taken me on a big learning curve and apologies for anyone who's been waiting for me to blog how it went!
First up we had the triple header in Nelson.  To be honest I was almost as excited about a weekend away in Nelson without the kids as I was about the derby.  Friday morning saw me on a last minute emergency shop when I realised that the only 'handbag' I had to take was a nappy bag....that just was not going to happen....and yes I bought the smallest possible bag I could!
Saturday was bout day, I'd managed to stay calm and distracted (shopping!!) for most of the day but by the time the track was open nerves had reduced me to freshmeat grabbiness for the warmup.  Not the best start. I spent most of the pre-game lockdown trying to psych my confidence back up.
Desperately I tried to remember any great moves I'd managed to pull out at the last few scrimmages, trying to convince myself that I could bout at Allstar level.  Besides I had no choice, I had to bout at Allstar level! The actual games were a blur, I managed to do my part some of the time but, as usual for me, my head game was where the real battle was going on.  I just couldn't get in the space where I believed I could do it.  I was so convinced that I'd done badly that it was a pleasant surprise when the bout photos popped up, showing me doing all sorts of useful things....

I had to sort out my head fast before our next bout - in three weeks!
So I had a chat to one of our coaches about how to attack it.
The problem was I hadn't had to 'tryout' for the team.  Being a small league meant that all our bout-ready skaters were on the Allstars.
And I'm pretty smart, I know that if I belonged to a larger league I would not be bouting in their Allstars team....yet.  So when I tried to change my thinking and convince myself that I was good enough - I knew that I was full of it!  
Luckily my coach didn't try and convince me of that either or the same thing would have happened again.
Instead she agreed with me - that I wasn't good enough to play at that level (I know, encouraging right?). She pointed out that I was still going to bout and that I should see it as a chance to learn.  Perfect. Just what I needed to do.  So instead of fighting to feel good enough at our next bout I focused on learning....about my role in the team...about how not to get distracted by the crowd....about how to stay on my feet after a hit.....about how to be an asset to my team rather than a liability.
And it worked!  I had my best game yet, managed to stay on my feet for most of the time I was on the track and didn't get goated EVEN ONCE!!! This is huge progress for me!
More importantly I had an awesome time, instead of panicking about whether I would have to go on for the next jam, I couldn't wait to get called up next.
Which brings me nicely to my next goal.....to not only be awesome enough that there is no doubt that I belong on the Allstars team but to make it onto my team's 'Oh Shit' list. When the bout is going badly and the bench manager thinks 'Oh Shit' they pull out that list, and then rinse and repeat.  
Those players get all the track time they want....and I'm going to be on that list........

Bringing my best to my Allstar Debut!

Only three more sleeps until the triple header in Nelson.  I figured this was a good time to pull together some sports psychology tips on being at your best for the big game.
Most of it is just good old common sense.  Look after yourself.  Eat well and sleep well. You can't ask your body to perform awesomely on the day if you haven't been treating it awesomely during the buildup.  
Take care of as many details as possible before the day arrives.  Know where the game is and how you will get there.  Make sure your gear and boutfit are all ready to go.  The less energy you have to spend on these things on the day of the bout the more energy you will have to put towards playing.  It also reduces the chances of a last minute crisis happening, leaving you feeling drained and stressed out.
A lot of people I have talked to have prebout rituals that they use to help get them in the right frame of mind to play.  Music, makeup, movies, there are many ways to do this.  
Because I am not a naturally aggressive or competitive person I have decided that I need to get my Bee-arch on before the game.  I will put my 'warpaint' and boutfit on and visualise landing great hits, stopping the opposition's jammer and fiercely protecting our jammer and helping her through.  

Two surprising 'don'ts' came up again and again in my reading though - and they are certainly mistakes I would have made before my research into it.
Don't focus on winning or losing.  If you worry about how the game will end you won't be focusing on the moment at hand.  You actually have very little control over what the scoreboard will read at the final whistle.  If you focus on that you run the risk of panicking if you get behind or getting too cocky if you get ahead.  And you stop paying attention to what you do have control over...how you play this jam NOW!
Don't focus on your opponent.  It doesn't matter how awesome the other team looks, how big their blockers are or how fast they skate in the warm-up.  None of these factors will change what YOU have to do to play YOUR best game.
Stay positive, focus on you strengths and what you have to do to play your best.
Most importantly, focus on being a part of an awesome team, and smile!  

ROLLER DERBY WITH OUR FRIENDS!!!

More Boosting from Bonnie

The confidence boosting statements are working, well some of them anyway.  

The short and specific ones have been the most useful, these are the ones that pop into my head right when they are needed and change my usual response.

Like 'I recover so quickly' jumping into my head as soon as I hit the floor, rather than the old disempowering thoughts of being annoyed at myself for being down again.

And suddenly remembering 'I can take big hits' when I see that scary blocker headed my way and knowing that I'm up for the challenge.  

My other statements just weren't catching on in the same way though. Some of them were too broad...like 'I can improve my jamming' and 'you shall not pass'. There was no specific skill for me to focus on and do differently.  

Especially the jammer one - I just couldn't find a way to put any confidence into my jamming attempts.  It was like I was trying to convince myself of something but I had already decided it wasn't true.  Clearly, I needed a different approach for this one.  

Then I watched a story on Sarah Walker, NZ's world champion BMX rider. 

Sarah Walker Interview

She starts talking about working with a sports psychologist at about the 7 min mark on the video but it's just after the 12:45 mark that really hit a note with me.  

I knew I needed to do this for when I was jamming.  Some steps to check through - a thought process to focus on that would get my head in the right, confident space for taking on the pack.  

I watched this a few weeks ago now and I've just been waiting - waiting for the right info to fill in the blanks.

Cue weekend of derby awesomeness with the legendary Bonnie D. Stroir. Motivation and confidence boosting are a big part if her bootcamp teaching so of course I soaked that all up as much as I could.  

It was also incredibly encouraging to me how much I had improved since my last bootcamp experience...Derby firsts...and just spending that much time on skates in one go hugely accelerates your usual learning curve.  

But the best part was that I came away with a thought process for jamming. This is what I came up with from Bonnie's awesome teaching on jamming -

1. I am Hunting   2. Find the blindspot  3. Move my feet  4. Stay shallow  5. Keep moving

My phrases will probably be different than what you would use, and they will probably be different than what I will use in a year's time.

I haven't had the chance to try them yet in scrimmage but for the first time ever I am looking forward a little to giving jamming a go!

Birthday Time!!

Today is my Derby Birthday.
One year ago today I finally got the guts to put my 80's skates in the car and drive down to Hagley Park netball courts.  I wandered through the netball girls trying to find a group of strangers on skates and finally found them putting layers of protective gear on.  Warbow gave up her pads and helmet for me (she's generous like that) so that I could join in with the others in some basic drills.
I could skate a little already (although it had been years since I'd done any skating) but I was so embarrassingly unfit that I had to stop often to catch my breath.  No one seemed to care about that though...they only encouraged me when I would join back in again.  We had birthday cake (it was Shiner's birthday) afterwards and Crash drunk her water out of a wine bottle because she couldn't find anything else to put it in at home.  And just like that I was hooked.
And changed.
Boy how I've changed.
People often ask me how Iain feels about the amount of time derby takes up.  He is an awesome and generous man who knows how important it has become to me (I need to constantly make sure I don't take that for granted and that my family still comes first).  He knows the difference it has made and, I hope, is enjoying the benefits of a wife who can cope a lot better with everyday life and with being a Mum.
366 days ago I was on the highest dose possible of my anti-depressant medication, and even that only kept it at bay most of the time.    Since my first child had been born 6 years earlier, I'd needed regular therapeutic massage to keep the tension headaches away.  I saw my massage therapist again last week when I treated myself to a leg massage (I thought I'd asked a lot of them over the last year and they were probably overdue for a little TLC).  She was blown away by the difference in me, she even said I had the legs of an athlete.....oh yes she did!!
366 days ago I had never been called Buzz,  had no idea how hard 25 in 5 would be to crack, didn't know what a low block was, had never known the joy of a league meeting.....
366 days ago I had no idea that I would feel so proud pulling on my own printed Allstars uniform last night for the first time. Or that I would be so determined to work hard enough to deserve it and keep wearing it.
But the thing that blows me away the most is that 366 days ago I had never even met Daroll, Hammer, Legs, Unit, Knox, Warbow, Terror, Shiner, Tease, Crash, Karnage, Dizzy, Aggro, Str8e, Bone, Slaughter, Spunky, Munter, Meanie, Fury, Tia, Hoff, Gigawatts, Burger, Slam and Baddy - my derby family that just keeps growing.  Each one of you have inspired me, in words and example and I can't imagine not having you all as a part of my life now.
So Thank You - you have all made my life richer.
And let's have another Awesome Derby Year!!!

Confidence Boosting 101.

It turns out there is a lot of stuff out there to read about sports psychology and how the mind affects the body's performance. I know, totally surprised right??
So the first thing I had to do was narrow down the aspect of my mental game that I most needed to work on first...which mind muscle was going to get the workout.  This was an easy decision for me - CONFIDENCE...it's by far my weakest point.
The psychology behind sports confidence is actually pretty solid and defined as two specific types of confidence.
The first is Trait Sports Confidence.  This is most easily described as confidence that is a personality trait of the athlete. These are the people who are so naturally confident in their ability that no matter how badly they perform nothing can sway them from this belief.  As long as they are careful not to veer off into arrogance, people with high trait confidence usually do well it sport, they refuse to give up and see themselves as able to achieve at the highest level.  
The bad news is that the research shows there is not much you can do to increase trait confidence....you either have it or you don't.  I don't think it's too wild a guess to say that many of us in the derby world don't have an abundant supply of trait sports confidence.  Many of you, like me, were the last to get picked in the school teams and are only now, as adults, appreciating the joy of being active and athletic.  The fact that I have shyed away from trying most sports in itself probably indicates that I have low trait sports confidence, I never believed I would or could be good at them.
So now for the good news - trait confidence is not the most important type of confidence when it comes to performing well in sport.
That job belongs to State Sports Confidence and there is plenty that you can do to beef up that muscle.   State confidence is your belief in your ability to perform in a particular given situation.  On the track, at the jammer line, against that massive hardhitting blocker it's your belief in how you can cope with that situation at that moment (state confidence) that matters, not whether you generally think you are the best thing on eight wheels (trait confidence).  The most obvious example of the difference between these two types of confidence is the classic star player who misses the deciding goal.  Even though they may have oodles of trait confidence they don't believe that they can make the all important shot for the team when it's all on the line.
So this is what I need to work on - a bit like a physio does, I have isolated and named the weak and problematic muscle....State Confidence.  I'm sure most of you could do with building up this muscle...even if it's only in one situation or circumstance that you find it wanting.
There is an abundance of exercises and theory on how to best build your state confidence but I'm going to start with positive self-talk.
Now I'm not into any airy-fairy stuff where you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are three times a day so this is how I'm going to break it down (just in case you want to give it a go as well)....

1.  List 5 thoughts or situations on the track that make me feel least confident.
Mine are: when I'm against a hard hitting blocker, when I'm on the jammer line, when I fall over alot, when I'm 'the goat', when the jammer skates right past me without me even attempting a hit.

2.  Come up 5 phrases to counter these confidence suckers.
Funny thing is as I look at my list of situations  I definitely already have a phrase for each of them, just not helpful ones - "I'm going to get injured"  "I'm so bad at jamming" "I must look useless falling over this much" "I can't get past"  "I didn't do my job, I've let the team down"...so it's time to find some replacements!
They need to be easy to remember, even in the middle of scrimmage, and they need to be believable.  No good telling myself that I can jam like Suzy Hotrod, I will just laugh myself out of the room.
"I can take big hits" "I can improve my jamming" "I recover so quickly!" "I can make holes" and my favourite borrowed from Lord of the Rings...."You shall not pass!"

3. Write my new ass-kicking statements on two pieces of card (preferably laminated to make it last longer) and attach one to my training bag.  Read them every time I get my gear in and out of my bag - so that's at least twice every training session and once a week when I clean my pads.....because us derby girls always do that weekly!  I will attach the other copy to my wallet or mirror (if I must!) or computer screen so that I see it several times a day.  Every time I see the cards I will read through them - out loud if I'm somewhere that won't be embarrassing - and I will say it like I mean it......until I do!

The good old fake it till you make it.  Heres hoping it works!!

I've lost my mojo......

and I'm really not sure how to get it back again.
I know why I've lost it.  A bad combination of things including 2 weeks school holidays (all you mums out there know how much mojo that can suck out of you) and a flu/cold that just won't go away.   Also, I think I've just started my first natural plateau in training.
So here I am tired, snuffly, and just a little unmotivated.  I had been warned about the plateaus - when suddenly you don't seem to be improving anymore despite doing the same amount of training you always have.  And I know that that's when you need to push it up a notch - train that little bit harder to push through.  Instead with the other things going on I have had to take it down a few notches and it is incredibly frustrating.
And rotten timing.
We have our next interleague scrimmage on Wednesday and after my mental game putting me in a spin last time I was determined to be in a better place mentally and physically for this next one.  Instead it will be marginal whether I'm actually well enough to scrimmage and if I am I will be taking it easy...not exactly the killer mental space I'd hoped for.
And the calendar is racing towards my first Allstars game in May...I was hoping to lift my game so much before then.  Now I'll be struggling to get back to where I was a fortnight ago.
But for now I need a plan.  A plan to get back my mojo as fast as possible.
Starting with getting better.  I need to eat and sleep well, take my vitamins, stretch lots and listen to my body.  If I can't handle training then I need to stop.  It's one thing to push yourself when you are well but when your body is fighting a bug it's just stupid.  It will not be the end of the world if I miss a week of training, I will miss far more if this flu lingers around for another month.
I can also use the time to work on my mental game.  I've been looking into sports psychology for a few weeks now and I"ve finally made my way through the trashy pages wanting to sell me something to find some really useful stuff.  I've realised that my first issue to deal with is self-confidence...I don't really have any and I rely on my team-mates confidence in me instead.  So I will be working that confidence muscle over the next few weeks to see if I can get it to start working properly.
Hopefully these steps will see me get my mojo back and start to push through that plateau quickly enough that I can still bring my best to the game in May. Any other tips???

Divide and Conquer (or tips for the 25)

Watching the new freshmeat last night trying to break the 25 laps in 5 minutes was a big old trip down memory lane.  

Even though it was only a few months back, it feels so long ago that I was desperately willing my legs to keep doing crossovers properly even though they had turned to jelly.  Collapsing at the end of the 25 laps, gasping for air, gutted that I hadn't made it again and no idea where I could possibly find the extra go to shave those last 15 seconds off.  I remember searching online for some tips, anything, that could help me get there.  Finding bits of advice here and there, listening to my coaches (yes it does help!!) and perserverance got me there in the end.  

I thought I'd pay it forward and put it all together for those dedicated and frustrated freshies coming through behind me. 

So here it is....my collection of tips (mostly learnt the hard way!) on how to break the 25 in 5.....

1.  Moving your feet faster will not make you skate faster!  It will just make you exhausted and more likely to fall over.  Long, strong strides...pushing down and through.  And big, deep crossovers. If you need to rest - glide the straights but always, ALWAYS skate the corners and do the crossovers.

2.  Skate the diamond.

 Hopefully you can see past my bad drawing skills - the green dots are where you have to do crossovers.

3.  Breathe. 

4.  Use your arms.  Moving my arms like a runner - cutting the air in front of me, really helped me with the rest of my skating form.  I think it mostly just gave me a rhythm and something easy to focus on.

5.  Grab a buddy.  One of the things I like about roller derby is that it's a team sport.  Where does it say in the skills testing rulebook that you have to tackle the 25 laps without help??  Find a sympathetic old meat and ask them to skate in front of you so that you can mimic their form around the track and know what kind of pace you need to aim for.

6.  Keep breathing.

7.  Break it down.  It occured to me after my 2nd failed attempt that I had to be able to skate 5 laps in a minute before I was ever going to conquer the 25 in 5.  So I tried it and sure enough it took me 1 minute and 5 seconds.  This made it clear that my form and technique weren't good enough yet - I needed to focus on that and get that right first.

8.  Be stubborn.  Honestly I think this was the one thing that helped me most in the end.  Just being good-old-fashioned-hard-headed about it.  I decided I would do it, no matter how many attempts it took.  I practiced every chance I could.  During warm up and cool down laps at training I was working on one of the points listed above.  Every time I was circling the track it was a chance to improve something that would help me get there.  I'm sure I drove the coaches crazy with my constant requests to time me doing this or that, or 'could I please have another go at the 25 while the oldmeat were taking their gear off and stretching??'  In retrospect I probably should have remembered occasionally that it wasn't all about me....but it did help me get there in the end!!

It was tough getting there but it was one of favourite derby moments so far....

Lying on the ground completely spent....smile so big it made my face hurt.....trying to high five from the floor when the others came over to congratulate me....knowing that I had finally done it.

Mental Toughness

It continues to amaze me how much of this game is about what's going on in my head.  I love how it pushes me to the edges of my self belief and stretches it further, constantly making it bigger and stronger.  
Last night we had our first interleague scrimmage.  It was my first time scrimmaging against non-friendlies and it threw me a little.  In our weekly league scrimmage I know the people on the other team and I like them. I know that they like me and want me to get better and improve my game.  That doesn't mean that they take it easy on me but the general vibe towards me is positive and supportive and this acts as a boost for my ever-faltering confidence in my derby abilities.  Well last night that rug was pulled out from under me and I didn't expect it.
Noone from the other team actually said anything negative to me and I'm sure that a great percentage of it all was in my head, but I felt the 'you're not very good' and 'this one's the weak link' vibes...which my internal dialogue then began to translate to 'how on earth did she manage to pass skills?' and 'man this girl shouldn't even be scrimmaging.'  Needless to say this affected my skating a little, and worst still, made me a more ineffective member of my team.  I don't want this to happen in the real world of derby bouting.  I will not let this happen in my first interleague bout.
So now it's time to strengthen those mental muscles and pull out some mind gym.
My first step was to go over the scrimmage in my mind and pick out what I did well.
And I was surprised at the resulting list.  I hit the jammer on my first run on the track (something I'm usually stoked to do once in a whole evening), I did a sweet truck and trailer to help our jammer through the pack, I hit the oppositions' jammer out of bounds a few times and I was even brave enough to put the jammer panty on once.  I didn't do so flash at jamming and ended up in the penalty box but when I got back on track I actually made it through the pack and the other jammer called it off before the two minutes were up so I can't have been looking that bad out there.
Imagine how well I could have done if I just believed in myself??
It was then that I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that I could have been the best skater out there and I still would have heard those negative voices inside.  
It's time to kick those to the curb and replace them with positive ones that help me achieve more and skate to the absolute best of my ability.
So I'm off to google sports psychology and hit the library for some good books on the subject.  I'll let you know what gems I discover......

Love this picture by Elektraqtion on her blog.

Blocker's Remorse

I landed my first really good hit last night in a jammer drill.  

It's the first time ever that I have felt the full force of my body slam into someone in action.  
The first time I have not taken myself out in the process.  
The first time I have heard that 'thud' behind me as I continued skating.  
I think I want to hear it again! and again....and again....
This is very strange for me.  I have mentioned before that I have never been an aggressive person, ever. 
Not physically, socially, emotionally...I'm even useless at pulling the old passive aggressive out.  
But there was something addictive about that hit last night.  
Something about being able to harness the power of my body against someone elses.  
Something satisfying about finding my aggression and using it.  
The catch is that I hurt the other skater, we took all took a knee while first aid checked her out.  
But, and here is the really strange part for me......I didn't feel bad about it.  
I'm still a little confused about this.  Bleeding hearted me, who used to cry watching starving Africans on the television when I was a kid, didn't feel any guilt about her injury.  
I knew it was a good legal hit.  I even felt slightly proud.  
She was fine, by the way, and the reality is any injury would have been more about how she fell rather than how I had hit her.
But my total lack of remorse surprised me and I'm not even sure if it would have been any different if she had been badly hurt.  
Sure, I would have felt bad for her, like I do when anyone gets injured, but I wouldn't have felt guilty about it.  
How had this happened?  And was it a good thing?  
I know it will probably make me a better derby player but am I still a good person?  
Is this the first step towards me becoming a heartless bee-arch in all the other areas of my life?  
I had no idea how ingrained the notion that I had to be nice to everyone was for me.  
I am astonished that landing this hit has made me question my very moral fibre. 
It's the little girl in me that feels worried about this newfound aggression, and no Mum and Dad, I'm not blaming your parenting, I just think it was always my inherent nature.  
Don't rock the boat, keep the peace, make everyone happy and they will be pleased with me.  
But everyone wasn't always pleased with me and it didn't make everyone happy.  
It didn't make me happy.
So listen up, little Buzz, grown-up Buzz (aka booty blocking badass) has a few things to tell you....
Aggressiveness is okay, good even, empowering.
It is only a bad thing when it comes out of a place of hate. 
Just check your place of hate regularly and make sure it's dealt to.  
It is okay to be power-full.   Power-full women are awesome and you can be one....you are one.
You will be a better wife, mum, friend, blocker, jammer, world-changer if you embrace your aggression.
Be aggressive about the things that matter. Like raising your children, looking after our planet, loving your husband, caring for your friends, ending poverty and injustice.....and of course........holding the inside line.

"My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. 

Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose."                                                                                                                  Bette Davis 

Eating an elephant

So I'm officially on the Otautahi Allstars Training Squad!  
But again, like so many other things in derby, my joy was quickly followed by a reality check.  
Being on the squad doesn't mean you get picked to bout. And to get picked to bout you must meet a list of requirements, including 5 hours off skates exercise per week.  

Bummer.  
I have trouble fitting in the three on-skates trainings we need to do.  
I have tried to go to the gym but Erin refuses (as in screams so loud the entire gym can hear her) to stay in the childcare so that rules that option out.
I'd tried the exercise DVDs too but it only takes 10 minutes of Erin climbing on me for that to get beyond a joke.
My only choice was to start thinking creatively.  How could I fit 5 hours of exercise into my life of stay-at-home-mum-ness without derby taking any more time away from my family than it already does...
I already do 10 minutes of ankle strengthening and achilles stretches morning and night (Physios orders) so that adds up to 2 hours and 20 minutes already. Nearly half way there!
I did the housework super-speed yesterday - so that I broke a sweat.  I hate housework anyway so it's a good way to get it done quickly and I could easily chalk up an hour and a half doing that every week. 
And this last exercise is my favourite...Erin loves dancing so I can dance with her for 15 minutes each week day - this doesn't sound much like exercise but trust me, dancing while holding a happy, jiggly 15kg weight is not easy! 
So the grand total is 5 hours and 5 minutes.  Throw in the occasional brisk walk with the pram for a bit of variety and it'll be sweet.
I love it when a goal seems too big to achieve and then you shrink it down with a bit of thinking outside the box!

How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.

Together Even A-newbie Manages

So many things I could write about my first bout (and I probably will over the coming days) but I want to capture my first thoughts about it before I over-analyse them.

Pre bout nerves weren't too bad - too be honest I was so wrapped up in the logistics of it all to have time to worry about the skating part.  It proved to be a great distraction in the end.  
I'm one of those strange people who loves the challenge of pulling off a big event...I love the whole last minute stress of getting it done in time and even the last minute crises.
Like our guest MC Drag Queens not being allowed to wear stilletos on the gym floor! To their credit they still pulled it off with style, everyone did.
I enjoy seeing how everything magically comes together in the end. How everyone steps it up a notch and just makes it happen. 
But at 5.30pm it was time to take off the familiar and comfortable hat of events organising and exchange it for the brand spanking new cherry-coloured bout skater hat.  
I hoped like mad that this hat would fit me too but there was only one way to find out....
I am 36 years old and Saturday night was my first time playing a team sport (or any sport for that matter....) at a competitive level.  So forgive me if I seem blown away by the obvious, that which those of you from more sporty childhoods have known since you were a small black.  
But being part of Team Glee was amazing....from purposely knocking me over in the warmup to get me over my fear of falling in front of everyone.....to grabbing my hand to give it a squeeze when I was bummed that I let Gaga's jammer skate right past me untouched....my team was there.  
Their belief in me being able to do it made me believe it too.  
And for the most part I did - I held my part in the walls, I got up every time I got knocked down, I made space for our jammer to get through, I even managed to land a hit (just a little one!) on a Gaga jammer!
Just look at that booty of mine doing what it should....

My only regret was that I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that I didn't throw myself into it completely.  
We had a healthy lead at halftime so I was offered the chance to jam in the second half.  
I am still terrified to jam at scrimmage let alone at a bout so I said no.  
It was an understandable and even logical response but I wish I had just not thought and jumped at it - even if I'd sucked it wouldn't have really mattered. 
I may have gotten hurt but to be honest it wasn't my body I was worried about hurting, it was my pride.  
I am gutted that I let my fear and pride make a decision for me.  Next time I will hip check those well out of the way!

"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!” Friedrich Nietzsche

And having my kids there was awesome, I loved seeing them cheer me on.  
I loved it when they raced up to me at the end and asked me to skate a lap with them.  
And my husband, holding the fort at home for the last month while I drowned in bout organising...Standing at the sideline the entire bout keeping wee Erin busy and happy.  
I am one lucky woman.

So for awhile it's time to push derby into the background a little and give some attention and love to other things in my life.  
But I can't wait to get better at the derby too...and bout again.....
Next stop.....making it onto the All Stars team!!!

Gleek Out!

Tomorrow I get to skate....in a bout...in a uniform....in front of a crowd....with a team of amazing women.

Being the freshest skater on the track is a little nerve wracking.
I know I won't be able to pull any awesome moves out there but hopefully I can hold my place in the pack and make things easier for my team-mates.
Most of all I hope that I remember to enjoy it!
I have gone from doing no physical exercise what-so-ever to skating in a roller derby bout in 10 months and I am so proud of myself.
GO GLEE!!

Bout Doubt?

Prematch Jitters? First Bout Nerves? Cold Feet? 
Whatever you want to call it I didn't expect it to make an appearance till the week of the bout.  But here we are a whole 22 days out from the bout and it's already hit me.
Admittedly I'm an emotional character, especially prone to the ups and downs that accompany a big event.
I've been in it neck deep trying to help organise the bout itself as part of the Events committee.   
And even though I've been given the go ahead to bout by the coaches I know I still have heaps of work to do on my fitness and skating skills before I'll be happy with where I'm at on bout day.  
Then there's uniforms to get done, rollouts to learn, bearings to clean, posters to put up....it's all got me feeling more than a little overwhelmed. 
And disappointed that so many other events are on that same night which means my cheering section is looking pretty small at this stage! 
I won't opt out but it's tempting....crazy huh??
Crazy to even entertain the thought of not bouting after working so hard to get here.  
I just need to make sure I save enough in my tank for the skating side of things.  That's the bit I'm doing FOR ME after all, that's the bit I love.  I don't want to get so exhausted with everything else that it undermines the reason I'm doing it in the first place.  

So time for a little blog interaction.....tired of my comments section being empty!
What was it like for you coming up to your first bout??
What helped you???

Beauty in the Bruise

"Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce." Vivian Komori

I grew up with only one sister, no brothers.  So when I started dating Iain there were a few things that perplexed me.  
One of these was the way that he and his two brothers celebrated their injuries.  
One time in particular they had been out wakeboarding in the Marlborough Sounds and when the boat was driven a little too close to the rocks, Iain was thrown into them at speed.  Luckliy he got away with only a nasty gash on his leg.  Before it got cleaned up and patched, photos were taken....complete with smiling brothers faces and thumbs up next to the bloody mess.  
How very strange boys are I thought.  
When I started derby I still remember being a little confused at seeing some of the oldmeat comparing their wounds.  
And it's not just a derby thing....a quick google of  'proud of bruise' reveals footballers, lacrosse players,  stuntmen,  paintballers all showing off their bruises...some even naming them!
Still I was puzzled by this odd gratification.
Then I got one for myself.
Then I could see the hidden Beauty in the bruise.

Not only was it full of vibrant colours that changed every day but it was an outward stamp of some of the internal changes that have happened for me since I started playing derby.  

I was no longer just a spectator, no longer playing it safe.  

It was proof that I could take the hits....get up again and keep on skating.

I knew I was stronger, braver, more resilient than before...inside and out...but here I had Evidence.

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,

for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down,

but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

Girls on Film

I was able to watch video of a couple of jams from my first scrimmage last week.  
If you haven't had the chance to watch yourself skating yet I highly recommend it as a great learning tool.
Once you get over the fact that your arm swing and derby stance make you look like an orangutan on wheels, it makes it much easier to see what you need to work on. 

I would be very happy to pull off this monkey move.

It also gives you a good visual memory of what you need to do differently next time.  

The first learning points that I took from watching myself were that I spent nearly all of my time at the back of the pack.  I guess this makes sense as it's the safest place to be if you want to see hits coming from the opposition but it is the soft option as far as getting fully involved in the scrimmage goes.  
I also noticed just how hesitant I was and how slowly I recovered from falls.  
Now these are things I already knew I had to work on but seeing them happen on video made me realise that I was twice as slow at recovery than I thought I was, twice as hesitant etc.    
So my goals for my second scrimmage were to skate more assertively, get up faster and as much as possible avoid being at the back of the pack!   
Scrimmage night came along and I did pretty good at reaching my goals.  
After the opposing jammer skated right past me untouched for at least the fifth time I set a new goal for myself - hit the opposing jammer.  
I mean, that is the point of being a blocker on the track.  
A few messy attempts later I finally managed to land a bit of booty on the jammer stopping her from skating past me on the inside....progress!
Highlight of the night was scoring my first points ever as jammer!!  
I didn't get lead jammer but snuck through on the inside to score more points than the lead just as she called it off.  Even managed to just get my hips past the last blocker for that extra point just as the fourth whistle blew....best feeling ever!
Downer of the night was doing the freshmeat grab on another skater during scrimmage....my worst fear is that in my inexperience I will drag down another skater and injure them badly.  
I really thought I was over that habit but obviously need to work on it again. 
Oh well....two steps forward, one step back.  At least I'm still going in the right direction......