Beauty in the Bruise

"Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce." Vivian Komori

I grew up with only one sister, no brothers.  So when I started dating Iain there were a few things that perplexed me.  
One of these was the way that he and his two brothers celebrated their injuries.  
One time in particular they had been out wakeboarding in the Marlborough Sounds and when the boat was driven a little too close to the rocks, Iain was thrown into them at speed.  Luckliy he got away with only a nasty gash on his leg.  Before it got cleaned up and patched, photos were taken....complete with smiling brothers faces and thumbs up next to the bloody mess.  
How very strange boys are I thought.  
When I started derby I still remember being a little confused at seeing some of the oldmeat comparing their wounds.  
And it's not just a derby thing....a quick google of  'proud of bruise' reveals footballers, lacrosse players,  stuntmen,  paintballers all showing off their bruises...some even naming them!
Still I was puzzled by this odd gratification.
Then I got one for myself.
Then I could see the hidden Beauty in the bruise.

Not only was it full of vibrant colours that changed every day but it was an outward stamp of some of the internal changes that have happened for me since I started playing derby.  

I was no longer just a spectator, no longer playing it safe.  

It was proof that I could take the hits....get up again and keep on skating.

I knew I was stronger, braver, more resilient than before...inside and out...but here I had Evidence.

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose,

for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down,

but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

Girls on Film

I was able to watch video of a couple of jams from my first scrimmage last week.  
If you haven't had the chance to watch yourself skating yet I highly recommend it as a great learning tool.
Once you get over the fact that your arm swing and derby stance make you look like an orangutan on wheels, it makes it much easier to see what you need to work on. 

I would be very happy to pull off this monkey move.

It also gives you a good visual memory of what you need to do differently next time.  

The first learning points that I took from watching myself were that I spent nearly all of my time at the back of the pack.  I guess this makes sense as it's the safest place to be if you want to see hits coming from the opposition but it is the soft option as far as getting fully involved in the scrimmage goes.  
I also noticed just how hesitant I was and how slowly I recovered from falls.  
Now these are things I already knew I had to work on but seeing them happen on video made me realise that I was twice as slow at recovery than I thought I was, twice as hesitant etc.    
So my goals for my second scrimmage were to skate more assertively, get up faster and as much as possible avoid being at the back of the pack!   
Scrimmage night came along and I did pretty good at reaching my goals.  
After the opposing jammer skated right past me untouched for at least the fifth time I set a new goal for myself - hit the opposing jammer.  
I mean, that is the point of being a blocker on the track.  
A few messy attempts later I finally managed to land a bit of booty on the jammer stopping her from skating past me on the inside....progress!
Highlight of the night was scoring my first points ever as jammer!!  
I didn't get lead jammer but snuck through on the inside to score more points than the lead just as she called it off.  Even managed to just get my hips past the last blocker for that extra point just as the fourth whistle blew....best feeling ever!
Downer of the night was doing the freshmeat grab on another skater during scrimmage....my worst fear is that in my inexperience I will drag down another skater and injure them badly.  
I really thought I was over that habit but obviously need to work on it again. 
Oh well....two steps forward, one step back.  At least I'm still going in the right direction......

Surviving scrimmage

I've scrimmaged and lived to tell the tale....and here it is.....
It's fair to say I was a little nervous at practice on Friday night....okay....so I was packing myself.

I really didn't feel like I was up to having my first full hitting scrimmage with the old meat.
I had just had a long break over Christmas from skating and exercise, like most people I guess, except that I had the perfect excuse in the form of a mild concussion that I'd got at practice beginning of December. Drs orders meant I could enjoy a lazy break guilt free. 
So come Friday I was close to wimping out actually....except that I didn't get a chance to.  
I was pretty much told that I was going to scrimmage (interesting to note that I am more scared of our coach than of taking part in scrimmage.) 
I decided that I would try the first couple of jams, and when it became obvious to everyone that I was way out of my depth I could ungracefully bow out for the rest.
But there was a flaw in my plan...
I couldn't stop after a couple of jams because I was having too much fun! 
And I wasn't completely useless either.
Turns out I have gotten fitter and can now skate more than one jam in a row without feeling like I'm going to vomit.
And all the strength exercises must be starting to make a difference too because I didn't feel like a rag doll on wheels out there, and I didn't fall over every time I got hit (just 90% of the time but hey baby steps....) 
Towards the end of the practice I got really brave...yep I actually tried to hit other skaters.
Wimpy, ineffectual hits.... but I willingly made aggressive contact with another skater in a pack....look out I tell you I'm on a roll...(very bad pun unintentional but duly noted). 
I still have a ways to go and lots of hard work to do but I was encouraged by the progress I have made.
I'm beginning to feel cautiously optimistic that I could be bout ready in time to join Team Glee on the track come February 25th...

Hard knocks and the bout at the end of the rainbow.....

So I am finally skills tested and it feels awesome. 
But quicker than you can say 'bask in the glory of your achievement' I am back to square one with another goal to reach and so much to learn.

You see now I'm not just skating around, occasionally practising hits.  In drills you almost always know when a hit is coming- you expect it and brace yourself for it.
Not in scrimmage - in scrimmage you get hit all the time when you're already busy.
Busy trying to see where your jammer is (so you don't get in their way), where their jammer is (so you don't let them skate right past you on the inside line making you look like a complete moron), what the refs are doing (so you know to go off when they call you for back-blocking and cutting the track...again....) and other important things like remembering which team you are on (so you don't try and knock over your own pivot).
It's while you are trying to do all that that you get hit in scrimmage, and you get hit hard, and you fall hard in a pack with a bunch of other skaters.  Kinda like this...............

..........but with 4 times the wheels.

And the teams were announced for our next bout 'Rainbow Spite' on the 25th Feb.
Team Gaga vs Team Glee.
I have been put on Team Glee with the condition that I am good enough to bout by then.
So I am excited but I'm also a little freaked out.
I have work to do - lots of it.  I need to build up my strength so that I don't fall down everytime another skater even looks like they are going to hit me - it's not safe for me or them!
I also don't want to skate my first bout until I am good enough to be useful - to pull my weight in the team, I don't want to fill a spot just because it's there.
I'd say it's 50/50 whether I can get to the level I need to be in time but it's good to have another goal to aim for.
It would be awesome to skate on Team Glee, we have some guest skaters coming to skate for us, one who just skated with Team New Zealand in the Roller Derby World Cup.
So that would mean that I could skate with someone who had skated with Suzy Hotrod....one degree of derby seperation to this.....

Confessions from the derby heart...

So I am hoping to be fully skills tested by the end of the week and I am super proud of how far I have come but I also have a confession to make.......

I am still ridiculously unfit - and I am not exaggerating.  

I started at the gym two weeks ago and I have had 2 assessments with a personal trainer (who also happens to be an awesome roller derby sister) and I am floored by how unwell I am even after doing regular exercise for 6 months.  

To begin with we tested my resting heartrate, which was 101 beats per minute.  

To be fair it wasn't greatly rested (having just sculled my morning coffee, rushed the two older children to school, and left my little one in childcare for the first time ever) and I was likely a little anxious about the whole thing but still.....

Gave me a bit of a fright actually and was very motivating to keep exercising!  

So like I do most things I googled it when I got home - it turns out that if I was in the 65+ age bracket my heart rate should be under 84 bpm to be in the healthy zone.  Holy Moley - am I glad I took up derby...maybe I could buy one of these tshirts.....

It's funny because when people find out that I've taken up derby a lot of them think it's a bit foolish, risky even....I could get badly hurt.  

I think that finally finding a sport that motivates me enough to get fit and active far outweighs any injuries that I might get.   

The last time I had to claim on ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation) it was when I hurt my knee learning derby, the time before it was when I hurt my back lifting something out of the car - I know which I would rather have happen.

In fact I used to hurt myself far more doing normal stuff before derby - my body was in such bad shape it was in no condition to cope with everyday life. 
So here's to a healthier heart, fitter body, and finally passing my minimum skills test (fingers crossed.)

Derby Firsts

I had an awesome weekend of Derby firsts..first boot camp, first public appearance on skates and got to watch my first live bouts. 

The bootcamp was completely overwhelming.  
One of the main things I noticed was how hard everyone hit me - I knew my league were nice to me as a freshie but it was an eyeopener to train with girls from so many different leagues who had no idea I was such a wuss.  
It was great - once I got used to it I discovered how much fun it is to get hit hard and how much easier it makes it to hit other people hard.  
Having said that I did fumble and stumble my way through most of the day feeling like I would never be good enough to actually bout.  
So to stop myself from getting too discouraged I focused on getting slightly better than I was.  So in the one footed slalom I completely sucked but by the end I sucked slightly less.  
I also decided that if at the end of the day I would be able to name one major skill I was better at - you guessed it...falling- I was awesome at falling by the end of the day.

Nemesis of a freshmeat

So I am just about there.....passed most of the skills test and got 100% on the rules test.  

I have been practising and I know I can now do most of the things that I need to re-sit.  

Only two things stand in my way.

About 15 seconds and 3 inches.

Doesn't sound like much I know but it feels like more than enough.  

I have been trying for weeks to lift my feet higher than an inch when I jump but they just won't go there damn it. 

Cue flashbacks to high-jumping at primary school athletics day.  I'm just no Tigger.

And as for the 25 laps in 5 mins - I tried it last week and made 24 - so squeezing only one more lap out should be easy right? 

I should add that I completely emptied the tank on that attempt though - collapse on the floor and feel like I will vomit emptied - so I just don't know where I'm going to get that other lap from.

It always amazes me when I go to write a blog about derby and discover that I've learnt something really important about life in general.  

Like how we can work so hard to achieve what we want in life and get held up by something so small.  It's never the big stuff that trips me up.  The crises seem manageable - my adrenaline kicks in and people rally around to support and help.  

But the little, simple things can suck me dry and grind my dreams to a halt.  

Like still trying to toilet train Hamish, like feeding my family everyday, like sorting the washing again, like being patient with my children.  

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I find these simple things hard, that it's those things that can make me feel like I'm failing.  It's shameful to ask for support for day to day stuff that should be easy peasy.  

But I have a funny feeling that I'm not the only one and sometimes just saying something out loud makes it easier.  I also have the feeling that, just like derby, these things would seem more achievable when you've got a whole team of people to help you get there.  I don't know why we are so obsessed with doing things on our own, coping, managing....it was never meant to be that way I'm sure of it.  

So who's on your team???

Okay it's official.

Derby has taken over my life.
I eat, drink and sleep it - yes I even dream about it.  
I don't look at anything on the internet anymore that isn't to do with derby.  When I am in a clothes shop I am not interested in buying anything that I can't skate in.  I would hate to think how much money I have already spent on skates, wheels, bearings....
I have always had an addictive personality so it's no great surprise that I've been sucked in so well, but it does seem to me that it happens to most people who enter the derby world.  
When I was thinking of joining my league I was told that one of the practice venues was on the outskirts of town - a considerable drive from where I live, "Oh I don't think I'll be able to go to those practices' I innocently remarked.  
The derby veteran said nothing in response - just knowingly smiled to herself.  She knew that before long I'd happily drive twice the distance just to put my skates on!
In fact, my whole family has caught the derby bug.  
Iain is very good at researching which wheels/bearings are the best deal as well as teaching me how my skates actually work.  
Zoe loves wearing her skates too and has told everyone that she plays Roller Derby 'with the big girls' - she even picked out a derby name: Pip Squeak.
Hamish does knee slides everywhere - home, footpath (ouch), supermarket.  
And the other day when I was putting my skates on Erin went and got my pads and brought them over to me one by one - even she knows the drill!  
I'm sure it will settle into the background a bit more as time goes on but for now it's been great to have something besides earthquakes to think about.
I am halfway through the skills testing and pretty stoked with how I've done - my two big obstacles will be the 25 laps and the jump but I will get there.  
Then I will be a REAL derby girl.
Still don't understand why I love it so much?
Just check out the fantastic group of people I get to hang out with.....

Finding my inner Bee-arch.

I have always been a nice girl.  

I avoid conflict.  
I never even threw tantrums as a toddler. 
When I was six I had a friend who would walk to school with me and then leave me at gate with the condition that she would pretend we weren't friends at school....and I agreed to that.  
In contrast to this, when she was about the same age my younger sister punched a boy in the nose for saying something mean to her. 
I have never punched anyone and I have never been punched. 
It's just not in my nature.  
While I am no longer the pushover people pleaser that I used to be (just ask my husband), the whole aggressive side of derby is still not coming very naturally to me.  I don't want to hurt anyone and I immediately apologise if I do knock anyone down (which admittedly doesn't happen very often yet.)  
It doesn't help that I actually like all the people in my league either - if only one of them would just piss me off enough that would help.....
So I've asked around a bit and I'm going to try a few things:

• I'm going to think of someone I don't like until I get aggravated enough to be aggressive
• I am going to repeat the following mantra "I am not sorry - I will not apologise."
• I am not going to 'hit' people just move them out of my way
• I'm going to work on my core strength (again) so I can be more confident that hitting someone else will leave me standing at the end of it- rather than just bouncing off them to sprawl on the floor myself. 

We start our skills testing on in a week.  For those of you who don't know you have to pass a skills test and a rules test before you can bout. 

WFTDA Minimum Skills Requirements 

It's a bit tricky - I will be happy if I pass over half of it at this stage.

Wish me luck!  

Mind games and other Blockers - Part three.

You might want to read Part One  and Part Two first.

Blocker 3
I have always been something of a wuss.
I have spent most of my life avoiding anything that could possibly be painful or unpleasant for me.  This is a good survival technique by itself but when you combine it with my extremely vivid and overactive imagination it becomes a little limiting.  There is danger and death lurking around every corner and I'm not going round it thank you very much!  
When I was a kid I was too scared to do anything daring.  
I was the kid who was too chicken to hang upside down on the bars at school.  My dad once had to bet me $10 to cross a swing bridge before I could summon up enough courage to do it.  I'm scared of injections, spiders, flying and even going on hydroslides.  
So why on earth would I take up Roller Derby?  A sport where I am practically guaranteed to injure myself?  A sport where I have to willingly throw myself at the floor to practice my falling technique? 
I'm not entirely sure actually, but I know that facing up to that part of me is part of the attraction.  
You see I have come to realise that the reality of the pain and discomfort is nowhere near as bad as I imagined it would be.  And I am actually pretty tough under it all.  
After being terrified about giving birth I managed to do it three times with no pain relief.  In fact my last midwife told me that the ward midwives assumed I was a farmers' wife I was that staunch.  
And I love how I felt after giving birth - like a brave, powerful woman who could handle anything. 
I'm not having any more children just to experience that feeling again so derby it is from now on.  
Playing derby is very similar to giving birth actually...empowering, painful, exhausting, exhilarating, and you have to be a woman to do it!
Reading back over these last few blogs it all seems a little daunting actually and I wonder why I don't just give up.  Well for a start, I have spent way too much money on gear....but also it is some of the most fun I have ever had.  
I love how strong it makes me feel when I finally manage to learn a new skill.  
I love that I am getting just that little bit fitter and stronger every week.  
I love watching the old meat practice and knowing that if I stick with it I can learn how to do that. 
I love that there is a team full of women helping me get there. 
I love that my daughters get to watch me being brave and trying something new.  
I love that I know that I'm not going to give up trying to get past the blockers.

Mind games and other Blockers - part two.

Warning: Unless you read mind-games-and-other-blockers-part-one this post probably won't make much sense.

Blocker 2

Well to put it simply this blocker is Chronic Atrophy of the Vastus Medialis Obliquus Muscle.  
Google it if you want to. 
Say it fast five times in a row if you can. 
Basically it means that since surgery a long long time ago my left thigh muscle is pretty stuffed.  It shouldn't be.  I should have done all the exercises the physio gave me at the time and got it back up to strength.  In fact if I'd done all the right exercises to begin with it's highly likely I would have avoided surgery all together. 
Instead I took the 'easier' option - I adapted my everyday life to accommodate my weak muscle so that I didn't notice it's weakness.  Let me explain - when I go up stairs I lead with my strong leg and put all my weight on that.  When I get up off of the couch I use my hands to push me up and so on.  So over the years the weak muscle has actually gotten weaker, or 'wasted' to use the proper term.
I cannot possibly continue to do roller derby with a weak thigh muscle, I have to strengthen it or I will never get good enough to take part in a bout.  
Thinking more about this I realised that I take this approach to a lot of things in my life.  And that's probably okay for awhile, until I do something where I have to use the weak part.
For example, dealing with depression.  For so many years I just ignored any weakness in my mental health and adapted my life accordingly.  When it all got a little too much I would hide away for a few days to rest and recover.  
Then I had children.  Technically I was diagnosed with postnatal depression but I know it had been there for awhile.  It was just that there was no way to adapt being a mum around this particular weakness so I had to face up to it and start getting better, stronger.  
I worry about other areas of my life where I could be tempted to sweep any weaknesses under the carpet.   
Like my relationship with my children.  I can probably wing it for quite a few years and not really connect with them or spend quality time with them but I can guarantee that any weakness here will show up when they become teenagers!   
Or what about my relationship with my husband?  With three young kids it's pretty easy to ignore any weaknesses here and push them to the side.  But do I really want to discover a few years from now when we hit a rough patch in life that our marriage muscle has wasted away?  
Pretty sobering thoughts really.  
So tonight I am going to do my leg lift exercises, then I am going to take the time to read my children a bedtime story and then I might actually talk to my husband.  
Man this training for roller derby sure is hard work!

Mind games and other Blockers - Part one.

So now that I have stepped completely out of my comfort zone and taken up the challenge of learning to roller derby, I have discovered that it is a whole lot harder for me than I thought it would be.  

I was confident, shall we say, slightly cocky, to begin with.  Having done so much roller skating growing up I thought I would take to it pretty quickly but there were a few things I didn't see coming, a few 'blockers' that I will have to get past...

Blocker 1

My core strength, or rather my complete lack of it.  After stretching to accommodate 3 babies my abs resemble one of those cheap wine bladders rather than a sexy six pack.  

Anne Lamott writes  after the birth of her child that when she lay down to sleep her stomach 'laid down next to her like a puppy.'  I love that description - and it fits me perfectly.  

This has never bothered me before now - I am actually proud of my post baby body and all that it has achieved in bringing my lovely children into the world.  I have never felt driven to whip my body into shape so that I look like a 20-something who hasn't had children.  

After all, there are times that a soft squishy tummy comes in helpful.....

Suddenly though I care about how my abs work. By the end of training my lower back feels like it is on fire because my core is so weak, I can't even manage to do a proper crunchy and my attempts at 'whipping' are more like some kind of awkward high-five.

So it's baby steps for me, or shall we call them 'post-babies' steps?  Luckily one of the other freshmeat is a personal trainer and she showed me some easy starting exercises (did I mention that the other women who do derby are Awesome?)

Rock hard abs are only a few million crunchys away...

Finding my Fit

I have never been a sporty person, ever.  I am one of the most unfit, nonathletic people I know.  I also know that my life improves dramatically when I do exercise.  I eat better, I sleep better and my depression and anxiety are also much better.  I have tried yoga, swimming and running (oh yes I did) but being a very social being I couldn't stick at these solo efforts for very long.  And my memories of school sport have made me way too embarrassed and insecure to take part in any team sport...until Now.   

Now I am exercising at least a little everyday, Now I can't wait until the next training session, Now I even own a mouthguard. Now I have started Roller Derby.   

And I am having so much fun.  

Even though I used to be an 80's child living in roller skates I'm pretty useless so far.  I'm not exactly in peak physical condition and after three children my core strength is nonexistent!  I managed to fall quite decently and injure myself at my first training session so now I'm a bit of a wuss about falling over (not helpful when training for Derby!) but I think I'll get there.  

One of the things I like most is the team environment...an awesome team of supportive women of all shapes and backgrounds.  It's okay to ask questions, it's okay to start at the bottom, it's okay to get it wrong, it's okay to not have the perfect athlete's body.